I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
