its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
