i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
