for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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