Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
