Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
