She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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