I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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