The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
