You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
