Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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