just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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