god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
