My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
