is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
