I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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