I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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