I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
