Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just blew my weed a kiss
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
