He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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