im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
