the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
