I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
