My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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