sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
