We won't sleep together?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
How does one acquire holy water?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
