Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
