Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
