Me. At least after what I've been through.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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