he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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