I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
wow bdsm is so cute
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
