I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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