this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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