you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
