As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
