He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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