I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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