It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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