if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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