He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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