I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
