I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
