Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
