I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
