I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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