she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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