I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
