Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
