Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
