Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
