just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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