theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
