I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
