I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
