i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
