The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
